The THOMfoolery
© 2010 Boilerplate Syndicate
All Rights Reserved

Ramblings: Food —
Mister Hungry

<<---- I think I'm turning into a cartoon:
I just bought another jalopy .

Page 1: Tributes to other artists
Page 2: Food for Thought
Page 3: Mister Hungry
Page 4: Spiritual Enrichment
Page 5: Meet Bill Thom

Special Guest Column by world-class gourmet
Bill 'Mister Hungry' Thom

The typo in the dining section ad of my neighborhood paper gave me a chuckle —

“Valentine’s Day Dinner Special— Roast Lion of Park”.

I couldn’t resist calling and asking if it was the mane course and after a laugh at the expense of the paper, I reserved a table for my wife and myself. I’d eaten there before, the food was good and they were close by.

We arrived on time and they showed us to a table near the bar. We placed our drink order and I noticed a mug with some crayons in it. I tasted the green one and then the blue one but they lacked a certain je ne c’est pas qua.

The waitress arrived and I ordered from the Brunch Menu— three eggs any style. One poached, one scrambled and one sunny-side up. She didn’t get the yolk and informed me that brunch was over. Well, how about these finger sandwiches? Can I get eight and two thumbs? She just threw up her hands and muttered something about a free knuckle sandwich.

I inquired about the specials. Got any Salmon Dave? I’m a sole man, myself. Perhaps you’ve a seafood platter consisting of the more exotic delicacies I like— sponge, starfish, seahorse or jellyfish.

“The catch of the day is crappy” she deadpanned. I’ll be the judge of that - thank you. Sheesh. Everybody’s a critic!

Now this item here— a "half-baked chicken". I asked the waitress what the other half of the chicken was - fried? Or is it simply undercooked?

She explained that, unlike my jokes, the chicken was fully baked and the portion equaled a half of an entire chicken.

I’ve long suspected that Pita bread stands for Pain In The Ass bread. And don’t get me started on buffalo wings! No wonder I haven't seen any flying buffalo lately! It’s the same with angel hair pasta. I think they’ve got it backwards. Shouldn't it be angel wings and buffalo hair?

These “sun-dried tomatoes”— are they various and sundried tomatoes? And this salad— what exactly is mesclun or did they misspell mescaline? May I have an order of sautéed magic mushrooms to go with that? What are “currier endives”?

Is the ratatouille made with real rats?* And just what did you do with the baby’s front ribs?

After dinner, I excused myself and adjourned to the restroom to wash up and brush my teeth. This place had a sign reading "Employees Must Wash Hands". Well, I must have stood there, hands dripping, for twenty minutes until finally an employee came along. He told me that next time, it's okay to go ahead and wash them myself.

I returned to the table and my wife noted I had spilled toothpaste on my lapel.

"That’s my family crest", I replied with a wink. It was at this point, alas, I discovered the free-range chicken isn't really free at all— its fair market value is four hours of busing tables and washing dishes.

Oh well— bon appetite!


*The movie using this idea came out long after I had this article was published in The Riverdale Press. —Bill Thom


Contact: billthom@thomfoolery.com

THOMfoolery.com is Bill Thom's online portfolio of cartoons, caricatures animation, 3-dimensional modeling and website design.
All rights reserved. All content is to be considered whimsical satire and any resemblence to persons living or dead is either caricature or accidental.

To view the THOMfoolery privacy policy please click here.